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Fuckbeak and Friends/ Chapter 1: Fuckbeak, the Hippogriff and the Extremely Arousing, Fucking Huge Diarrhea Bathtime
Fuckbeak, the Hippogriff and the Extremely Arousing, Fucking Huge Diarreah Bathtime is the first chapter of the Dirty Potter audiobook series "Fuckbeak and Friends". Summary of plot Fuckbeak is a fat, unhealthy and unlikable former student from Hogwarts. Fuckbeak decides to return to the very place where he witnesses Harry Potter and his friends have some fun. Transcript Jim Dale - Warning: This audiobook series contains strong language, filthy contents, swear words, incest, violent cunnilingus, sound effects almost too annoyingly stupid to think about, rather crude toilet humour, excessive racism, pointless and rambling dialogue, terrible, drawn-out, stupid, not-funny jokes that carry on far too long...(yeah). Listener perversion is advised. Dirty Potter presents, Fuckbeak and Friends. Chapter 1: Fuckbeak, the Hippogriff and the Extremely Arousing, Fucking Huge Diarrhea Bathtime. Fuckbeak woke with a plan fully formed in his mind. He got up, dressed, in the pale dawn light. As he stood up, he ripped a very noisy fart that echoed off the polished wooden floors like a firecracker. He was a big man, unshaven and unwashed, and looked quite uninterested, almost bored, with life itself. His room was even messier than the rest of the house, in which he lived alone except for his cats who all hated him. A faint smell of stale fast food lingered about the place. He stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He stood there in his underwear, barefooted, and pissed long streams of urine, missing most of the toilet on purpose. His dick was encrusted with dried-up semen and bits of tissue paper. He could not help fapping last night to porn which must not be named, but he didn't realise he had cum all over himself until he woke up later with his fingers stuck together. He sat down on the toilet seat, spread his arse wide and took huge dumps which splashed the water all over his butt, and he felt the fudge drain out of him which sounded like (pooping and farting noises) and (more popping and farting noises) -and a bit of (even more pooping and farting noises). Half the contents of his bowels spilled into the toilet, feeling so good, and he thought to himself. Fuckbeak - "I'm crapping all over the place." Jim Dale - Fuckbeak flushed as he grinned at the sight of a humongous pile of particularly scary ARSE boulders, far too big for his poor toilet to manage it. They made it halfway through and got stuck, flooding the floor. He used a large wad of toilet paper to mop up as much as he could but quickly gave up trying, leaving a layer of general shit spectacularly on bloody fucking everything. He scribbled a note for the housekeeper to clean it up as her big birthday bonus from his ASS. Then, as made his way back from the toilet, he went to use the Internet to watch sick shit and jerk off. He found it a lot harder because, at his house, the Internet is made of wood. Fuckbeak tried to use the Googles to find himself big-bearded, gay, Jewish, burly sailor, pyjama party pornography, but failed miserably. He gave the middle finger to his computer and then, he threw it as hard as he could against the wall. It was a smashing success. Fuckbeak stood there with his mouth slightly ajar, scratching his arse as though there was enchanted treasure behind the crack. Smashing things was no more help. He wanted to run, he wanted to keep running and never look back. He wanted to be somewhere he could wank to whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and eat whatever he fancied. He turned on his heel and ran to the door, but suddenly remembered something very important he had to do. Fuckbeak went back inside and fumbled around his desk and pulled on his bad Hippogriff costume that would make him unrecognisable and strolled quickly from the room. He turned and set off to Hogwarts. He was going to see what had happened since he had first left the castle many years ago. He had been expelled in his 3rd year for molesting every single person in the school, turning all of them into GAYS. And he was expelled for being such a perverted, sick fuck, but the headmaster at the time, ashamed that such a thing had happened at Hogwarts, forbeyed me to tell the truth. A story was given out that Fuckbeak had died in a freak triple-penetration accident. They gave me a nice, splendid, sausage-shaped trophy for my trouble and warned me to keep my mouth shut, but I knew it could happen again. The monster lived on, and off he went to watch Dumbledore bending over and taking Harry's arm in his butt while jerking off behind the bushes because of a voyeuristic pleasure. Meanwhile, in Gryffindor Tower,Ron was being extremely annoying. Ron - "What are we going to do today, then?" Jim Dale - Ron asked Harry and Hermione, Ron - "What are we going to do today, then? What are we going to do today, then? What are we going to-" Harry and Hermione - "SHUT UP!!!" Jim Dale - said Harry and Hermione together, but Ron did not seem to have heard. Ron - "So, anyone, what are we going to do today?" Harry - "You're in luck," Jim Dale - said Harry, Harry - "we're going to do a whole pile of unconscious bodies. I've just been cumming on my dead mum and I'm just off to do a bit more." Ron - "Booooring" Jim Dale - said Ron. Harry - "Fine," Jim Dale - said Harry, gruffly, Harry - "let's get Hermione and bang the cunt full of hair." Ron - "NOOOOO," Jim Dale - said Ron, Ron - "we'll die! Her crabs'll eat us." Hermione - "Fuck yourself" Jim Dale - said Hermione. Ron - "Hmmmm..." Jim Dale - said Ron. Ron - "A reckless but potentially wonderful idea. I think I will, thanks. (Cumming and wanking noises) Ooohh, Harry!! What about my sister?" Jim Dale - said Ron, jerkily, Ron - "I wanted to watch my sister taking a dump." Harry - "Well, I don't" Jim Dale - said Harry. Hermione - "Well," Jim Dale - said Hermione, Hermione - "I can think of one thing that might cheer you both up." Jim Dale - She started playing with herself, poking hard with her finger rather sharply, which sounded like "squish, squish, squishy, squashy, squish, boikoikoik", but it was too slippery, and when she had tired herself out with trying to find the clitoris, she sat down. Hermione - "Cummmm" Jim Dale - said Hermione to her snatch. She generally gave herself very good handjobs, though she very seldom finished, and sometimes she fisted herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes. But, now was not the time. Hermione - "Eat me" Jim Dale - moaned Hermione, and the delicious smell of baking salmon wafted tantalisingly in their direction. Her vagina looked rather odd, like roast beef. Harry Potter went down and started licking frantically (licking noises). Harry - "Mmm, blood. My favourite" (more licking noises). Hermione - "I let it rot to give it a stronger flavour" (even more licking noises). Jim Dale - Harry swallowed creamy chunks of nastiness (much more licking noises). Ron's face was very white. Ron - "Ugh, that's disgusting" Jim Dale - he said. Hermione - "Whatever, faggot" Jim Dale - said Hermione, knowledgeably, as Harry, with difficulty, gurgles a brissy milkshake. Ron puked over himself, like a sad bird (retching and puking noises). There could not have been a lovelier sight, but there was none to see it except a smelly and very pathetic man disguised as the Hippogriff who was staring in at the window, whacking himself with enthusiasm. But he was looking through the window at the one joy from which he must be forever barred. Neither this recording or any portion of it may be reproduced or used for any purpose without prior written authorisation from my grandfathers cock. For those too lazy to read Category:Fuckbeak and Friends Category:Audiobooks